Hello again, everyone. Just when you thought — or maybe even hoped — that I’d run out of things to complain about, I’m back! As cranky, snarky and confused as ever.
It’s been a long time since I’ve written this column and, to be honest, I thought maybe I was done with it. I started writing it as a way to shine a light on the bizarre, crack a joke here and there and do a little venting. I never intended it to be a soapbox for me to stand on and complain just for the sake of griping. Between my busy schedule and just being pretty happy overall lately, I thought maybe N’Uh Uh! had run its course.
But then a friend sent me a link and I realized the world was still able to ping my weirdness radar.
What’s got me scratching my head this week is the “Dadbag.” For those of you who’ve been lucky enough to avoid running across this monstrosity on your social media feeds, I’ll elaborate.
The Dadbag is a fanny pack for fellas. “So what?,” you’re probably thinking. But wait, there’s more!
The Dadbag isn’t emblazoned with a team logo or a dad joke one-liner. Nope, been there, done that. The Dadbag, designed to be worn just above the family jewels, is designed to look like a proper, middle-aged paunch.
Although not yet available for sale — the designer says he’s currently looking for investors and manufacturers — the potential product’s website (thedadbag.com) features a variety of models of varying skin tones, levels of hairiness and number of rolls.
With names like “The Bobby,” “The Allen” and the particularly hirsute “The Sherman,” Dadbags are freakily realistic looking, even managing to somehow translate the translucence of skin onto fabric.
Someday soon young fellas, you may be able to purchase the dad bod you’ve always wanted. For those unfamiliar with the term, according to Urban Dictionary, a dad bod is, “a male body type that is best described as ‘softly round.’ It’s built upon the theory that once a man has found a mate and fathered a child, he doesn’t need to worry about maintaining a sculpted physique.”
The Dadbag is the brainchild of Albert Pukies, a 20-something dude from London who apparently has decided that he just can’t wait for Father Time and gravity to do their work on their own schedules. No, Albert just has to have that slightly schlubby dad bod right now.
About a week ago, Albert wrote a post on Bored Panda explaining his inspiration.
“I made the Dadbag because I’m desperate to have dad bod but I’m also very concerned about the health risks associated with it,” the post reads. “The solution is quite simple, a bumbag with a proper dad belly printed on it. Now I can put on a dad bod whenever I feel like it and even store my valuables in it.”
OK, Albert. If that’s what makes you happy, go for it. But to me, it feels a little like cheating. The world is full of bellies that have been cultivated over decades by eating few too many chips and falling prey to the allure of the sofa. If you can unhook your belly at the end of the day and stick it in a drawer, are you really getting a genuine experience?
There’s also an element of false advertising here. If you believe what you read in certain corners of the internet, dad bods have a devoted following among some women who find guys with a little extra in the middle to be more fun and less narcissistic than gym rats. Personally, I’m inclined to agree with that assessment, but I’ve always appreciated a guy with a little meat on his bones. With that in mind, doesn’t the Dadbag run the risk of being the dude equivalent of a Wonderbra?
My gut (pun definitely intended) is telling me that the Dadbag is the latest in a long line of internet “trends” that you rarely see out in the wild. Kind of like faux man buns and meggings (leggings for men) or squiggly brows or Rainbow Brite armpit hair for ladies.
Only time will tell if I’m right about that but if I am, don’t despair, Albert. Middle age will be upon you before you know it and odds are you’ll have a genuine dad bod of your very own way faster than you’re ready for it.
Andrea Agardy can be reached by email at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @swimswithsnark.