The worst songs ever

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“It makes my ears bleed!” “It makes me feel sick!” “It makes my hair stand on end!”

These are some of the comments I received when I asked readers to name the Worst Songs Ever. Although the 1970s is believed to be The Decade of Bad Songs (that era gave us “Run Joey Run,” “Convoy,” and “Kung Fu Fighting“), there were plenty of duds before then, and they’re still cranking them out today.

1990s music fans suggested Hanson’s “MmmBop” (“Mmmm…No!”), the bubblegum-flavored “Barbie Girl” (“Even Ken hates this one”), Ricky Martin’s “Living La Vida Loca” (“I know all the words, and I’m not proud of that”) and “Who Let the Dogs Out,” (they should have unleashed the dogs in the recording studio!”)

The 1980s are remembered for MTV, but some haven’t forgiven that decade for Starship’s “We Built This City” (From the band that gave us some of the best songs of the 60s? Did they sober up?”) and Toni Basil’s incurable cheerleader earworm “Mickey” (“I pulled a muscle trying to switch to another station”).

Stevie Nicks has plenty of fans, but some of her 1980s-era lyrics were singled out for widespread scorn. Her hit “Edge of Seventeen” includes this line: “Just like the white winged dove, sings a song sounds like she’s singing, ooh, baby, ooh, baby, ooh.” (“I’m sorry, I don’t get it. Does anyone?”)

But the groovy 70s decade is in a league of its own. There were nominations for the Temptations epic “Papa Was A Rolling Stone” (“Is it over yet? Please, make it stop”), the tear-jerker “Seasons in the Sun” (“We had joy, we had fun, until this sad song came on”), and 3 Dog Night’s overplayed “Joy to the World” (“If I hear Jeremiah was a bullfrog one more time, my head will explode!”)

Paul McCartney’s 70s output incurred the wrath of many, starting with “Silly Love Songs” (“After writing so many Beatles classics, he must have run out of ideas.”) The lyrics of McCartney’s “Let ‘Em In” were quoted: “Someone’s knockin’ at the door, somebody’s ringing the bell, do me a favor, open the door, let ‘em in.” (“Did he make a bet that his fans would buy anything? If so, I guess he won.”)

Then there was America’s “Horse With No Name” (“At first I thought it was Neil Young, but he wouldn’t stoop that low”), “Me and You and a Dog Named Boo” (“Boo is the right word”), and Debby Boone’s “You Light Up My Life” (“A one-hit wonder. Thank goodness.”)

That decade must also be held accountable for “Billy Don’t Be A Hero,” “The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia,” “The Night Chicago Died,” “Delta Dawn,” and the infamous “Muskrat Love.” Who can forget this Captain & Tennille classic: “Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam, do the jitterbug out in muskrat land, and they shimmy and Sam is so skinny.” Yes, I played that on the radio. Thankfully the statute of limitations has expired.

The 60s gave us Bobby Goldsboro’s depressing “Honey,” the tragic “Leader of the Pack,” and the endless “MacArthur Park” (“Somebody, get that cake out of the rain already, he’ll never have that stupid recipe again!”) Also mentioned were “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” and “Sugar, Sugar” (true confession: that one is a guilty pleasure of mine).

Although we only hear them over the holidays, several Christmas songs were named: the too-sexy-for-some “Santa Baby,” the too-creepy-for-some “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” McCartney’s inane “Wonderful Christmas Time” and the regrettable “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” (“Whoever got rich from that record should send us all a refund!”)

That brings us to the 3 Worst Songs Ever. Number 3 is “Mambo No. 5” by Lou Bega from 1999 (“I’ve seen too many drunks try to dance to this at wedding receptions”), and Number 2 is the 1995 dance sensation “Macarena” (“Every time they say Macarena, it’s followed by the sound my cat makes when he spits up a hairball”)

So what’s THE Worst Song Ever? It’s that 70s stinker, Rick Dees’ “Disco Duck.” I can’t argue with that. You folks have a good ear for bad music. Did I miss any? Let me know.

David Carroll is a Chattanooga news anchor, and his new book “I Won’t Be Your Escape Goat” is available on his website, ChattanoogaRadioTV.com. You may contact him at 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405, or at RadioTV2020@yahoo.com.

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